It was a moment of change in my life, of pushing boundaries, of prioritizing my desires. I didn’t know where it would lead, but I made a rough plan and started moving forward, figuring out the details as I went along.
Never in my wildest dreams did I expect that within a few months I would meet my future husband, start changing the course of my life based on shared interests, and prioritize goals that were not my own. I never for a moment regret that leap of faith, but throughout this entire period I also stayed true to that decision I made so long ago; no more stress.
Recently, however, the stress has found its way back into my life. For a few weeks now I’ve been walking around with an intermittent pit in my stomach.
I’m finding it difficult to deal with having no control over the course of our future. Of course, I will be involved in the details, but that big picture, over arching trajectory: it’s not in my hands and it is SO hard. I can make contingency plans, although they end up feeling mostly like a mental exercise without much substance. I can focus on the day to day, but sadly, I don’t find that quite enough to be truly fulfilled. I can think about myself instead of “us” but seeing as it’s difficult to separate the two that does not feel very fruitful either.
In the meantime, I’m trying to distract myself enough to not think about it until there is a concrete plan.
I’m trying to inspire myself with new recipes, house organization projects, and enjoying the little moments with our awesome little boys. I’m finding that being proactive helps a little, but ignoring the problem helps more. That’s something I didn’t expect…hmmm.