Are you a looking for some new parent advice? Well you’ve come to the right place! In ten years of parenthood I have read so many books, blogs, articles and more. But there’s nothing quite like first hand experience!
So here are some of the best pieces of advice for new parents!
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New Parent Advice
Every year sometime between Mother’s Day and the end of June I like to take some time to reflect on parenthood. Our oldest was born in June 10 years ago, and boy has it been a ride. It is hard to believe how quickly time has passed. Then again, we’ve also had three more babies in that time.
Looking back at some of the posts I wrote when our first born was 6 months old, and 2.5 years old, am I struck by the fact that I still mostly agree with my initial assessment of many things!
Nevertheless, I am definitely a more relaxed parent the fourth time around. So with all that said, here are some lessons I learned and things I wish I knew as a new parent.
1. Babies are all the same
Babies are pretty much all the same. Yup. I see your aghast face so ok, let me clarify. Babies have personalities the way all people have personalities. We are not all the same people walking around. Obviously there is some variability.
However, the basic necessities that babies need are pretty much the same (food, sleep, love). The reason doctors can use milestone charts is because in a normally developing baby, milestones happen within a relatively short window.
This is also the reason, most parents have an easier time the second time around. Even if you think you forgot how to take care of a baby, you didn’t…because they’re all the same.
One resource I absolutely love for first time parents is the Wonder Weeks book and app. Without fail, the only times healthy babies are fussy other than physical necessities (hunger, sleep, dirty diaper), is when they are going through a wonder week!
In short, wonder weeks are when babies have a mental leap, meaning they are seeing the world in a different way than before. Fascinating, and so accurate.
P.S. A note on the first three months when baby is getting used to being outside of mom. Use the techniques from Happiest Baby on the Block and you will have a happy baby.
2. Are they tired or hungry?
Whether you have a little baby, a tornado toddler, an opinionated preschooler or an older kid, the first thing to ask yourself is: are they tired or are they hungry? Because seriously, like 90% of “bad” behavior is related to this.
Kids that are tired have trouble self regulating. Kids that are hungry and have a blood sugar drop can’t think. And then you get meltdowns, or acting out. So while reasoning is great, first make sure these physical needs are taken care of.
I am not saying kids don’t get overstimulated or overwhelmed by certain situations. We can certainly feel those out. But I think a lot of parents seriously underestimate how big of an impact these two things have on kids day to day comportment.
More about feeding kids a little further down, but let’s talk sleep for a moment. For baby sleep, you can seriously skip all the books. Again for the people in the back: skip all the books on sleep. The only thing you need is an awake time chart.
Here’s why you can skip the sleep books. When you put baby down to sleep around the window of time when they are tired, they will go to sleep. You many need to let them fuss, but that’s not the same thing as letting a little baby scream (meaning cry it out). The reason crying pulls on your heart strings is because it is meant to.
So how do you find this magical window of drowsy but awake?
That’s where an awake time chart can help you out. Take note of when baby woke up, then be ready to put them back down after a certain amount of time.
If you miss it and baby is overtired do your best to muddle through by carrying them or walking in a stroller. Try to get back on track ASAP because there’s nothing worse than an overtired baby/child.
Pro tip: if you’re nursing, start early so that you can get baby in the crib before you pass the “window”.
If you don’t already have an awake time chart saved, input your email and I will send you one!
3. The answer is always more love and more connection
Oh man, this is a lesson I had to learn the hard way. I read a lot of parenting books. I really wanted to stick with the discipline. I tried out the various time out/time in methods. But it took taking a step back to realize this: none of that matters.
The one thing that matters is that your child feels loved and connected to you. When they have a secure attachment, the behavior will fall into place. Children want to please their parents.
So yes, there are some techniques you can use to help you navigate certain developmental phases, but mostly a hug and an inordinate amount of patience will get you the best results in the fastest time. That said, here are a few resources to get you started:
- The very best method for age 1 to 3, is the one outlined in the Happiest Toddler on the Block. Read my full review here, but the short of it is: repeat what it is they want back to them with a similar amount of emphasis, and then once you have their attention, redirect. The first part is clutch to making it work.
Example: “I know you want the knife. You really want the knife. You really, really, really want the knife! But I can’t let you have the knife because you could cut yourself. Here’s a spatula you can play with.”
- For age 3 to 5 you need two tools in your parenting toolbox. The first for stoping unwanted behavior is 1, 2, 3 Magic. This is a really simple method where you outline what behavior needs to stop, by saying what you need to see at the end of counting to 3. If you say there will be consequences you have to follow through so be reasonable.
Example: “On three you will stop crying and answer me if you want it yes or no.”
- The second is being silly. This works so well; it is amazing. If you can turn what you want the kid to do into a game and make it fun or ridiculous, you will get so much cooperation. You can imagine giving them what they want, describe in full details, burst out in song, etc. Get creative and make it fun!
- For older kids, I think the quintessential book is How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. Truthfully it’s not the most fun read…but again love, patience, respect. That’s the key.
4. Let them work
Babies are born with an internal drive that pushes them to constantly learn, try new things, and increase their capabilities. Toddlers love doing hard work, often called “heavy work”, where they push heavy objects or move things around which you wouldn’t think would be possible. Let them.
And when they want to help, say yes. Even if it will make things take longer, even if they won’t do it exactly right, even if it will make a giant mess, let your kids help. Let them work. Give them responsibilities. And then watch in awe as they step up!
Pro tip: “Half chores” a a recipe for success. So rather than “set the table”, go with “can you set the plates and I will set the silverware”.
5. Love, Food, and Love is Food
Alright here I go again with being controversial: the most important thing you can do for your child is feed them good food.
I’m aware that I said that the most important thing is love and connection, and that’s absolutely true. But then, other than listening and feeding kids positivity, the way to express your love is by feeding them. Because they need food to grow and thrive.
The importance of breastfeeding, or feeding pumped milk, has really started to enter the public awareness. But when it comes to solid food, even for those doing Baby Led Weaning, there is still a lot to improve in public awareness of feeding nutrient dense foods.
I think most parents really want to do their best. Millennials (my generation) especially, just grew up with so much processed food and bad nutritional advice. At this point, many are learning that what you eat has so much importance to your health and feeling good.
Many parents however, keep the “healthy food” to the adults and feed their kids, “kid food”. Why???
Feed your kids real, whole foods- the best you can afford. And watch them grow to be strong and capable.
6. More outside time, and then some more
People are meant to be outside. Notice I didn’t just say kids. Our lives indoors and with screens are doing no good for our health, our mental well being, nor our children’s development.
The answer is alway more outside time. More time in nature to observe the wind, feel the sun and relax into the world. Watch as your fussy baby instantly calms down outside. Stand back as your toddler picks up a stick and plays with it for an hour. Observe your older children come up with the most imaginative games. All this is possible (and probable!) when you get outside.
Read more on the benefits of outside time and How to Get You Kids to Spend More Time Outdoors! I have a bunch of ideas for you in the post!
7. Put down your phone (and don’t give it to the kids)
Speaking of indoors and screens. For the love of all things good, put down your phone! Now don’t get me wrong, I totally fall into the trap of being on my phone way too often. But this is solid advice for anyone really, and especially for parents.
Imagine how it looks like from your child’s perspective: an adult that is always focused on this little device. They learn quickly that they need to compete for your attention when you have that thing in hand. Attention-wanting behavior ensues.
By using our phone all day we’re also teaching them that this is something good. Which yes, it could be. Mostly, however, kids do not need devices. Screen time is straight-up bad for them. I haven’t yet met a child that had good self regulation after spending time on screens. Have you?
I’m not being facetious: Seriously, if you have, I want to hear from you! Even the medical associations agree that screen time is inappropriate for younger children and should be monitored for older kids.
Most parents (myself included) use screens as babysitters. But this “free” babysitter leaves kids overstimulated and whiny. What’s more, it zaps the creativity out, in the exact opposite way that time outdoors stimulates it.
Save the screens for travel days, and watch your home become less full of drama.
The benefit of putting down your phone, is that you become aware of the details. You get to enjoy the awe of seeing you child explore the world. You get to engage with them meaningfully and with patience.
Rather than using the phone as a distraction from the sometimes monotonous childcare, lean in and enjoy their childhood. It really is fleeting! The grandmas are right: it goes by so fast. So carpe diem! Give it a try!
8. Start as you wish to continue (Be consistent)
There is no way to overstate the importance of consistency when it comes to raising kids. I once was told: “start as you wish to continue”…and this is so incredibly (annoyingly) true!
That is not to say you can’t pivot, change your parenting, and figure out a better way. It means that those pivots make things a whole lot harder than just doing it the way you would like it done from the beginning.
Kids, especially little kids, thrive on consistency. They feel secure knowing that boundaries and limits are consistent because then they can be free inside of those boundaries. Routine are so great for babies and toddlers, but also older kids because they know what to expect. This gives them confidence!
I have so many posts detailing what our typical day looks like at different ages. The key is that a strict schedule is not necessary, just what’s called a rhythm. Meaning things happen in a similar order daily.
But consistency is not just routines, it’s about expectations. If you want your kids to be able to sit through a family dinner, then have a family dinner from when they are little and expect them to sit at the table without wandering. (Again, not because you can’t change it up later, but because it is so much easier to continue than to start).
9. Less is More
We already talked about what kids need more of (love, connection, good food). But there are many things kids need less of: less toys, less scheduled activities, less stress.
Less Toys: Time and time again you will see that kids fight less over toys when there are less toys. They do not need all that plastic junk. (Neither does our environment). Sticks and rocks are legit the best toys ever. And they are free.
The clutter in your playroom does not only stress you out, it stresses your kids out as well they may just not know how to communicate that. If you’re going to have lots of toys, I suggest a toy rotation where a lot of them are hidden away out of sight and you can switch them out from time to time.
Less Scheduled Activities: If you want your kids to be able to play independently, you need to give them time to practice playing independently. If they spend all their time going from school, to sports, to activities, they will never get to practice.
In parenting terms you will see talk of “benign neglect”. The key word is benign: nothing will happen if we casually let kids have more freedom.
Less Hovering: We are super careful with our kids (of course). We never want them to get bumps and bruises. But if we don’t give them the opportunity to figure things out on their own, we are stunting their confidence. Make a safe space and let your baby explore on their own.
There was a book that got a lot of publicity about Le Pause. In short the pause is about giving your baby some time to fuss it out before swooping in when they wake up for a nap, to see if they go back to sleep. This works great in other (non sleep) situations as well.
10. Happy Kids Formula
The last lesson of the day: after this whole long list of do’s and don’ts. Here’s a mental checklist that you can use, to help you in the day to day of parenting. This works for babies and it works for older kids.
When you don’t know what to do, refer back to these three things and you will know the next right step for you.
- Outside Time– A must for every day. Even if it’s raining or scorching hot and even if only for a few minutes of fresh air. Get those kids outside. You can supercharge this tip, by getting outside in the morning! It’s good for the circadian rhythm. 🙂
- Reading Time– So good for future literacy to read every day. This is also a really great way to connect with your child. Cuddle up together and talk.
- Creative Time– Do something you associate with creativity: music, art, imaginary play. I love having random art supplies around for this. A dance party in your living room will flood you and them with endorphins.
When physical needs are met: go back to these and ask yourself what haven’t we done today?
